“ Mum, I’m spotting “ The 3 little words no one wants to hear, especially after a 7th IVF transfer. We have been there too many times to believe that it is maybe just implantation bleeding or something quite common in early pregnancy. We know what it is, another pregnancy that couldn’t carry on. Another round of heartbreak before strength is garnered to start again with acupuncture, supplements, scratches, scans, drugs galore before another transfer, the 2 week wait, the fleeting joy of a positive pregnancy test and the daily anxiety to see if this one will make it. The unending turmoil that is Baby Loss and IVF. 

My daughter Kate’s journey to motherhood started 6 years ago and I don’t think any of us thought it would be so torturous, probably a good job we didn’t know. After no luck with fertility drugs and IUIs they moved on to IVF. Miraculously it was successful first round and resulted in the birth of our dear Austin. I know it is a bit of a numbers game and a lottery but didn’t expect they would have to go through so many losses to have a sibling. 

I have seen how devastating each loss has been for Kate and Phil, coupled with Phil’s illness it seems just too harsh. It is not much easier for grandparents either, we are the supporters, the people to lean on but feeling just as broken. We can’t make it better, only science can do that, so we can only be there and help in whatever way we can. Going to appointments with Kate, looking after Austin or cooking some meals. Really all we want is to make it work next time but can’t. 

I’ve given up praying, he’s just not listening. I have researched all I can about drugs and new treatment approaches and have learnt far more about fertility and baby loss than I ever did as a nurse. 

Why did I fall pregnant so easily, almost to command and kept them, when Kate struggles, is it my incompetent biology or just a random thing? 

We have been through the tears, the sleepless nights, the waiting for a call after the 2 week wait to see if all well or is she miscarrying again. The grief for the little ones that could have been. I have to admit I have had the jealousy when I see pregnant women out shopping. I have to talk to myself and say it’s not their fault everyone should be allowed to have a baby if they wish! It makes it an all consuming process that leaves little time to plan or enjoy much else. 

But…….I still believe it will happen soon, it’s written in the stars

Jan

XOXO