So it’s been a while since my last blog. I’m not sure why I don’t blog that much anymore? Do people still read them? Can’t we say most of it on an Insta post?
I love writing, I want to do more of it but my head just hasn’t been in the right place. Too much going on to allow myself the opportunity to write with clarity and convey what I really want to say. And I was tired, physically and emotionally so once Austin was tucked up in bed I found myself completely floored. Austin is thriving and such a happy 3.5 year old. I feel really proud that amongst the chaos at home he has remained mostly unaware of what we are both going through. We have started looking at schools for him as he will start next September. So far we have loved the Prep school attached to his nursery, although it is a Boys school and we are still on the fence with that. I have always assumed he would attend a mixed school but after the tour and listening to the headmaster I’ve been more open to single sex schooling and actually the benefits it can bring. He is such a bright boy (takes after his dad) and amazes us both daily with how astute and clever he is.
So what else is new?
I updated my blog site a little. I’m no expert and actually I would love to invest with a web designer and really have my page how I want it visually. I am going to need help with that! Let me know if that is you!!!
So, our last miscarriage was in June and this was the worst loss yet, I mean none of them have been particularly fun but I was scared this time. I had to go to A&E and I felt very overwhelmed. Passing through a pregnancy is heartbreaking (and painful) and just literally 48 hours earlier we had been at a scan and seen our little Bub where everything looked OK.
I needed to get away, so a holiday with the boys was very much needed. Then when we came back I went straight into a barrage of recurrent miscarriage tests. First set was just to check basic hormones and also Vit.d which all came back normal. I was then referred by our GP to a recurrent miscarriage clinic at our local hospital. The waiting time was actually pretty quick – around 4 weeks. I saw a consultant who said the first steps was to run some more blood tests and an ultrasound.
The bloods I had taken were:
Anticardiolipin IgG, blood
Anticardiolipin IgM, blood
Thyroid peroxidase Ab level, blood
Thyroid stimulating hormone, blood
Lupus anticoagulant screen, blood
Protein S level, blood
Clotting Screen, blood
Glucose level, blood
Haemoglobin A1c level, blood
Parvovirus B19 serology, blood
Cytomegalovirus IgG level, blood
Factor V leiden genotype, blood
The consultant was very blunt and that was much appreciated. My age plays a factor. Yes I know many women aged 38 and above fall pregnant and stay pregnant but my fertility isn’t quite that simple. I also have PCOS which may also be contributing. IVF pregnancies are also more at risk of miscarriage so if you factor all those points it really is a miracle that our first ever IVF resulted in our son. I actually marvel at how he is here.
So as of yet we have no real reason why the last four pregnancies have not progressed. And I’m ok with that. I don’t want there to be a reason, I just want to except that I have no control over the cruel lottery of IVF and that one of those precious 5 embryos we have remaining will make it and we will complete our family. There has been lots of suggestions about having NK cell biopsies and that is something we may consider in the future but not right now. I hope that the continued testing gives us the reassurance we crave.
Phil is doing well, about to start his 4th chemotherapy cycle and we are awaiting scan results to see if they are going to change up the protocol. If he carries on with the current protocol then he could be finished by the end of the year treatment wise, which would be amazing. I don’t think either of us can imagine that day just yet but it feels nice thinking that one day he won’t need to poison himself every month. I feel like our miscarriage in June was slightly swept up amongst the chemo fog as Phil had his toughest cycle yet. It’s no ones fault but I often feel cancer trumps infertility in the sadness stakes.
So, whilst we wait (we are all good at that eh?) we can move forward with another FET and I’ve absolutely no expectations. I have seen so much sadness within the TTC community recently. It breaks my heart so much and although words seem futile, I hope those that are dealing with grief right now, know that they are not alone. I am inspired everyday by the amazing women and men who even in the midst of adversity manage to put one foot in front of the other. You are all heroes.
I know for me, A positive pregnancy test means nothing anymore but I am always forever hopeful that the next ones we transfer will be the rainbow/s we finally get to meet. My wish is for all of us waiting so patiently that our time is coming.