Christmas is definitely my favourite time of year. I have always loved everything about it and now we have Austin it feels even more special. I’ve read a few blog post’s recently about how difficult this time of year is when you are desperately trying to have a baby and how sad Christmas can then be? I can really relate to this. I too have felt that sadness as we had a couple of years when we were in the middle of treatments and I remember feeling so disappointed we had not yet seen those two precious lines come up on a test. In 2014 we had our third IUI in December and sadly found out it had failed literally a few days before Christmas, it was awful.
There are many reasons why Christmas can be sad outside of fertility, my mum lost her own mother close to Christmas when she was just thirteen years old and I know even 50 odd years later it brings such devastation. This time 2 years ago my father in law was diagnosed with bowel cancer, thankfully he’s beaten it but still it was a time fraught with worry for the family. There is also the pressure that at Christmas we will all play happy families with the feeling to create the perfect picture postcard within all the festive jollity.
The end of each year brings about the feeling to assess what you have achieved or sadly not and can bring such disappointment when you have not fulfilled what you had hoped for at the beginning of the year. Social media is rife with so much “success” scrolling through our feeds so it is hard not to compare with others how we are doing and what we have achieved? We are all guilty of portraying our best lives, nothing wrong with that at all and we should not be criticised for it but that’s why I am so honest with my blog and my writing. I hope I share the good, the bad and the ugly.
It’s been a funny one this year for us, we kicked off the year with a positive pregnancy test in February and we finish the year with not one but two pregnancy losses. It’s not been a great six months and it feels very obvious that we are missing a part of our family. It really got me thinking about the how we categorise years as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but for me, I believe most years are a combination of the both and that’s called LIFE. It is rare to have a whole year where everything goes to plan and nothing sad happens. I’ve always felt that the real highs in life are so much sweeter when you have experienced the real lows too. The lows are obviously not welcomed but they are unfortunately a part of most people’s lives. I know I always try to be thankful even when sad or low but it is hard to maintain such positivity.
My blog has brought so much joy to me, cathartic like free therapy! I know what I write isn’t for everyone and I have had to grow a thick skin pretty quick to take the criticism, which is hard when you are little bit broken and some from those I would least expect it but I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drum and that’s the beauty with writing a blog, it’s your own thoughts and it’s your own feelings. I have really tried to write for others too and not for just selfish reasons, maybe to try to give hope to others but also break the silence around infertility and baby loss. The importance of focusing on your own journey is needed although hard especially not to compare yourself to others. Through my blogging I have met some amazing supportive people and attended some great inspiring events. I look forward to so much more of the same next year hopefully and the opportunity to grow my blog.
The end of this year has thrown some much-needed happiness our way and moving into our lovely new home has been AMAZING. This is the home Austin will grow up in and it feels so wonderful to be settled. Who knows what 2018 will bring? A positive pregnancy test? A baby? More heartache? I don’t have a crystal ball, but what I do know is I am going to embrace it, the good and the bad and try to remember that when life throws you a curve ball it can just as quick make you see a beautiful rainbow in the distance.
I don’t think I will make any resolutions or promises for the New Year, I mean clearly I need to stop eating so much chocolate but simple pleasures in life mean so much more to me now (and clearly eating chocolate is one of them) Austin’s happiness is paramount to me, so as long as he thrives all is ok. Maybe I could become a bit more domestic, I am sure Phil would love a home cooked meal once in a while but let’s be honest, he never married me for my cooking…
So Happy Christmas everyone! Thank you for all the support and wishing you all a healthy, happy new year.