Just like that. It was all over again.

No sooner had the two lines flashed up on the pregnancy test, there was the appearance of heavier blood.

I am not sure where to start but after our miscarriage back in April this year it was a tough decision to try again so soon. Still feeling the devastation and sadness that followed on from our loss it was hard to know when was the right time to try again? Austin is still so young but the miscarriage confirmed what we already knew, we would love to have another baby and Austin to have a sibling.

Fast forward 5 months and after a successful frozen embryo transfer we are very sadly facing it all again, albeit a little earlier this time. At first I was angry at the universe and everyone in it. Then I couldn’t stop the tears. I am also hugely frustrated at my body. How can I carry so perfectly our baby boy just a couple of years ago and now I can’t seem to progress a pregnancy further than 5 weeks. It doesn’t make sense and the questions just can’t be answered right now. That is the thing with having a baby, even with IVF it is not an exact science.

When you go through fertility treatment you already hold some guilt for not being able to do something so natural and for me, it now resonates more than ever. I feel sad for my husband, I am sure his pain is masked in order to protect Austin and I. So painful for him too this experience, mentally just as scarring. As ever he is the most caring, supportive husband I could wish for.

Even surrounded by so much love you feel alone and the physicality of bleeding is a daily reminder that it is all over. However early your miscarriage is, “it’s just a heavy period; “it wasn’t technically a baby yet” – the pain is no less devastating and I am left utterly exhausted physically and emotionally.

So that’s our journey. Five years in. Lots of sadness along the way but most importantly our beautiful amazing baby boy Austin. Yes I know we are lucky to have a family but my gosh I wanted this pregnancy to progress. I am tired, we are tired and a little bit broken.

It’s going to be hard, but we are going to try to focus on all the amazing things we do have in our lives, not the things we don’t. We’ve been here before, sadly the devastation is not new and the heartache is all too familiar. I’ve always tried to be positive on this journey, no matter how many times we get knocked down. For now we will as ever, love our time with Austin and be eternally thankful for our shining little star.

Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

Kate xxx