Back in April we had a miscarriage. We were both devastated and after thinking how lucky we were to have conceived naturally we sadly lost our baby at 6 weeks. It was an unplanned pregnancy in that because we had IVF to conceive Austin we really didn’t think we could get pregnant naturally. I sometimes wonder if my carefree nature and complete lack of trying helped? There was no acupuncture, no gluten-free diet, no cares full stop. But ultimately I was left deflated that again my body couldn’t quite get it right.
When we are at the hospital I remember one of the lovely doctors explaining to me that 80% of miscarriages are due to the pregnancy and not the woman. In my head it’s me though. In my head its me back at the hospital time and time again after a failed cycle like before. Physically I recovered quickly, no procedure was needed, but one of the hardest things after the miscarriage was the hopeless feeling that I remember so well when we were going through treatment before. Yes I am aware how lucky we were to have a successful IVF cycle but that uncertainty and despair still resonates within in me. This is because we would love to have another baby and we have no guarantee we will have one.
It really takes great bravery to embark on another journey to motherhood after a loss. For some the need to try again is strong and for others it’s too painful to consider straight away. Tommy’s are the largest charity funding research into the cause of miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth. They also provide information for parents-to-be to help them have a healthy pregnancy and baby. They have such brilliant campaigns including #misCOURAGE that offers such a voice for the pain and devastation for so many, helping to break the silence surrounding baby loss. You can read my contribution to this campaign here . This really helped me after our loss, reading other stories of such bravery and being able to articulate the devastation I felt.
Austin no doubt heals some of our pain but I did feel guilty for wanting to fall apart after the miscarriage. I found it hard to show my gratitude for Austin but equally my devastation for the baby we lost. I had already pictured Austin’s sibling, wondering would they look like him? Would they walk as quickly as he did, would they be as stroppy?
I really lost myself through our fertility journey, naturally putting our lives on hold and angry at the uncertainty. When Austin arrived everything in the world was ok again. I am really trying not to go back to that dark place of uncertainty, to try to be positive and hopeful for the future. If there is no rainbow baby for us then of course we will feel incredibly lucky to have Austin and feel very fulfilled in our lives but I would love to give him a sibling and I hope that doesn’t sound greedy.
We do have four frozen embryos from our previous IVF cycle and in a strange way that is a much safer environment for me. It’s all I know really and although it ended sadly for us this time with the natural pregnancy I still have hope that one day I will be pregnant again and all will be ok. For now though we will enjoy every moment with Austin and maybe for us, it’s time to turn the page, start a new chapter and maybe head back to our clinic for another journey.