I know the newborn phase is hard. Sleep deprivation, feeding frenzies, constantly covered in vomit and poo. It really is tough. But I am actually finding the toddler stage quite hard too and I sometimes want to apologise to my little man for not always having my shit together.

We’ve had a tough few months and I think trying to navigate through baby loss when you have a baby is difficult. Austin knows nothing of our pain, or at least I hope he doesn’t. All I ever want to do is protect him from everything bad in the world (I know not possible) but ultimately our home should be his safe haven and place he can always feel happy. We all know as mums our needs are last on the list (thats ok, I wouldn’t want it any other way) but sometimes when you are in pain and struggling its hard to find the right balance.

Dear Austin,

I worry that in our quest to have another baby you may loose out somehow? You may get overlooked through all the tests, scans and injections I have to endure. The many hospital visits that consume our time when we should be home with you. I wish more than anyone we didn’t have to go down this route for your sibling, that we could decide when we are ready and plan another baby accordingly. But unfortunately time and my wafty ovaries just aren’t on our side so we have to act fast. I worry that you are still so young and need me but then I am reminded how fiercely independent you are and I feel happier with our decision to try again.

Of course there are days when as your mum I am tired, irritable and moody. My patience is often tested with you as you are so strong minded, so stroppy and so wonderfully adventurous. At times I find it difficult to not be the “shouty mum’ I never wanted to be. Its funny because every trait you have that does push my buttons are traits I am extremely proud of, and have always been since the day you were born.

I always knew I was in for trouble with you, kicking the absolute crap out of me through most of my pregnancy. At 5 months you were trying to crawl, by 7 months you were standing and at 9 months you took your first steps. I am confident you will grab life with both hands and run with it and I will spend the rest of my life forever trying to catch you!

So my darling little boy, however hard you push me, you are and will always be my most beautiful creation. We went through so much to have you and I would go through it all again in a heartbeat. I am sorry that my focus has sometimes been elsewhere and I hope one day we get to bring your sibling home.

Mummy xxxx

Ps. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.